Marriage Material: Is There a Blueprint For a “Normal” Marriage?

Dear Dr. Deb,

I’m a single woman in my mid-thirties and I want to get married someday to the right person. This seems like a dumb question, but I’m sincerely asking: what does a “normal” marriage look like?

Growing up, I’ve lived through the alcohol and drug abuse in my immediate family. My “normal” life involved bearing the brunt of emotional cruelty and witnessing constant fights about money between my domineering father and submissive, unhappy mother.

Since then, I’ve always thought of marriage as something to avoid. And it’s been hard for me to sustain serious relationships. Most men I date, for one reason or another, end up not being “marriage material.” I’ve tried to fill the void by focusing on strong friendships, career, and traveling instead.

I know that my parents weren’t good models for married life. I know this isn’t all there is to marriage. And I know it isn’t all about the happy-ever-after in movies and songs, either. But emotionally, it’s hard for me to believe I could have something other than what I’ve witnessed. I tend to sabotage my romantic relationships by repeating the same toxic behavior as my parents: saying cutting words, acting in a childish and reactive way, trying to hurt men I’ve dated before they can hurt me.

I think I’m ready to break the cycle, but I don’t have a clear picture of what “different” actually looks like. How is marriage supposed to work in an emotionally mature partnership? How should spouses treat each other when they are scared, angry, or disappointed?

Can you help me find a blueprint for building a relationship that leads to a good marriage – what to do instead of the only model I’ve known about what not to do?

Sincerely,
Clueless Cycle-Breaker

Dear Clueless,

The fact that you’re asking these questions is a very good sign. Self-awareness is a big step and it means you’re well on the way to breaking the cycle of the unhealthy patterns you learned from childhood.

First, I want to remind you that there’s no such thing as a normal marriage. There are relationships that are healthy, growing, and intentional and those that become unhealthy and stuck over time. And while you grew up witnessing your parents’ dysfunctional marriage and emotional shortcomings, you aren’t doomed to repeat their mistakes.  Your childhood was not a life sentence, but an early education on what doesn’t work.

A healthy marriage is built on two adults who are willing to nurture their growth together, while simultaneously recognizing their individual needs. This is the foundation for a model I developed: Yours, Mine, Ours: Partnership Done Right. It requires each individual to develop a strong identity apart from their partner. This flies in the face of what we’ve been taught about romantic relationships. It’s not the role of your partner or the marriage to make you feel complete. The more you take responsibility for your own emotional security and fulfillment, the more enhanced your partnership will be.

Which brings me to another point: a healthy marriage is not built on the absence of conflict, but on how you work through it together. Partners don’t need to dominate or submit – they collaborate to understand each other. Words must be chosen with care, because the relationship itself is something both people want to protect.

What does an emotionally mature partnership look like? It looks like two partners who are curious about their own reactions and able to take responsibility when they make mistakes (and you will both make many mistakes). They don’t expect their partner to fix their past or absorb their pain. Repair and resolution, not perfection, matters.

Here are other the hallmarks of partners in a healthy relationship and marriage:

• They take accountability and know how to apologize.
• They openly discuss money, power, and expectations.
• They treat each other as equals.
• They check themselves and take breaks before things turn cruel.
• They assume goodwill, even when disagreeing.

You said you were worried that you sometimes react in ways that mirror your parents’ behavior. These patterns are learned survival strategies from growing up in emotional chaos. You can unlearn these patterns over time – your past may have shaped you, but it doesn’t get to decide for you. Marriage is something that you create with the right partner. Marriage will not fix you, but you can build towards a good marriage.

My advice would be to recognize that the healing from generational patterns that you’re looking for will take time and self-work. I highly recommend seeking out professional counseling to help you along. Give yourself some grace along with your self-awareness – you don’t have to do it alone.

Warmly,
Dr. Deb