I Used to be Her Rock, but Now I’m Drowning

Dear Dr. Deb,

Last week I had a sinking sense that I was lost.  Lost in myself and my life, that is. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.  The thing is, I can’t shake this feeling that the only way to find myself is to get out of my marriage.  NOW.

Am I having a mid-life crisis? I’m a 43-year-old biracial man married to a white woman.  We’ve been together for 12 years, and we used to be happy.

I always thought we were a good match.  I’m a tech entrepreneur and she’s an MBA student, always on the Dean’s list and still manages to juggle a part time job as an accountant.  Early on I did recognize that she can be emotionally needy.  She would have crying jags and bouts of anxiety that would affect both our routines and our social life.  I couldn’t go to my parents’ 40th anniversary party because she was anxious about the people there.  It can be exhausting and I feel like I am dealing with a troubled child.

To be honest, I think I’m partly to blame for her behavior.  I liked being someone she looked to for strength and guidance.  I’m very empathetic and have always found it hard to turn down people who need my help, even when I sometimes feel like I’m running on empty.

But, now I feel trapped.  Helping her with her emotions has taken over my life.  I love her, but I feel like I’m at the end of my rope.  All I want to do is get as far away as I can from her and her meltdowns because I feel like I’m drowning.  Dr. Deb, is leaving my wife the only way to regain a sense of myself?

Sincerely,
Drowning

Dear Conflicted,

Telling Jack the truth about your past marriage can make or break your relationship. So I think the better question would be: what is the best way to tell him about it?

I don’t believe that relationships must be an absolutely, completely open book unless that something in your past would affect your partner and their expectations. Jack needs to know the truth about your first marriage because it has a direct bearing on the person you are today, whether you want to admit it or not. Leaving it behind is not an option. The truth always has a way of coming out, and if Jack finds out you kept this from him, it will harm the trust you’ve built in your relationship and upcoming marriage. It’s not worth it.

Another major conversation you both need to have is about getting your previous marriage annulled, if it was a church wedding. Otherwise, your Catholic marriage will be invalidated. However, if your first marriage was a legal one, then the divorce would be enough, in most cases. Either way, you’ll still need to ask guidance from the Church you belong to, just to make sure everything is above board.

Of course, revealing this part of your life won’t be easy. I suggest to start by acknowledging that you have been hiding something from him out of shame and embarrassment. Do him the courtesy of recognizing that it was wrong not to tell him right away, and that you are sorry for it. Remember that you were a teenager when it happened and hardly old enough to deal with the demands of marriage. You need to give Jack a chance to process this and decide for himself.

What’s right and what’s worth doing are sometimes the most difficult things to do, but this is where true love comes in: like Jack has shown you over the years, you need to step up and show him that you love him enough to make sure he knows the most important things that happened in your past, so he might know you fully. If you believe in him, give him a chance to love you for who you really are–all of you.

In short, my advice for you is: choose truth over fear. You may not have control over the way he will take the news. It’s possible that Jack might decide to end the relationship. But that is a risk you need to take to build a truly solid, meaningful relationship that will carry through until married life.

Warmly,
Dr. Deb