Do I Stay Friends With The EX?

Dear Dr. Deb,

For the past two years, I was in a long-distance relationship with who I thought was my ideal woman. I had never connected with anyone as deeply as I did with her and eventually we started talking about the possibility of marriage.

But there was one big fight we couldn’t get over: her former husband was still very much in her life to the point that she still looked to him for advice in her life decisions. I have a hard time being okay with this, especially since we were talking about taking our relationship to the next level.

Last weekend, everything finally fell apart – sort of. We’d been drinking, so that probably didn’t help and long story short, it’s over. She agreed that ending our relationship was probably for the best and she insisted that we should stay friends because I was her “favorite person.”

We’re now in this strange situation where she still calls to have a chat several times a week and I find myself sitting by the phone, waiting and wondering: Will she call today? Should I call instead?

This whole staying-friends thing feels strange to me. I just had my heart ripped out of my chest—our intense relationship ended after an argument, just like that. Being in therapy and having the support of my friends does not seem to help.

Dr. Deb, is it really “normal” to stay friends with my ex? Is it possible for us to remain in each other’s lives in a meaningful way after what we went through? How do ex-couples let go of resentments and respectfully manage to transition from a romantic connection into a platonic one?

My biggest anxiety about remaining friends is that it will keep me stuck. Yet I can’t help but wonder if I say goodbye to the old relationship and define new ground rules then perhaps we can be great friends.

Sincerely,
Mr. Limbo

Dear Mr. Limbo,

It’s not easy navigating the tender, gray area after a breakup. Usually, the hardest thing aside from leftover feelings of hurt is the confusion that comes with trying to stay strictly friends. You wonder about your ex and her intentions. You might also find yourself thinking: “what if?”

Breakups are fraught with conflicting emotions. There isn’t really a definitive “normal” state for anyone going through major life changes, like your sudden breakup.

I don’t know what your ex truly has in mind or if she really meant what she said—you would probably know better. But here are some things I picked up as possible motivations for her asking to stay friends with you:

• Being friends might help ease the hurt after the breakup (for herself as much as for you).
• She might have a codependent tendency and finds it comforting to know she can contact you; your presence might serve as her emotional safety blanket.
• She may want to stay friends to ease her guilt about the way she ended it.
• Fear of being alone or single.
• She may genuinely miss your friendship, etc.

There’s also a possibility that your relationship may not be truly over. Is it possible your ex still cares for you but was overwhelmed and rushed to agree to a breakup? The emotions heightened or triggered by alcohol during your arguments could’ve clouded judgment and led to impulsive decisions not fully aligned with your true feelings.

So what do you do in the face of all this unknown? Find the things that you do know and can control: your own feelings and actions. For most relationship dilemmas, coming back to your priorities while being honest with your feelings and interests is a good place to start.

Make yourself the priority. To do that, you need time. I advise you to take at least a 30-60 day break away from your ex and all the current places you used to go to. Use this time to get your bearings, heal your wounds, return to your Self and adjust to being single.

It might be a scary and lonely time during this process.  In order to get over your romantic feelings for your ex, you have to move on. Go! You deserve more than a friend.

Sincerely yours,
Dr. Deb