In six months, I’m getting married to the love of my life, Jack. We’ve been together for three-and-a-half years, and I’m beyond thrilled about what’s in store for us. Jack has always been solid like a rock. He’s not perfect, but I can depend on him to act out of integrity, especially in our relationship. He’s shown this to me many times over the years.

Dr. Deb, I wish I had Jack’s character, but I don’t.

I have a secret that I can’t share with Jack.

Which makes my situation especially difficult to bear. I’ve been committed and honest to Jack about everything except for one thing: this is not going to be my first marriage.

When I was eighteen years old, I married my childhood sweetheart. It was a misguided decision by my teen self, driven by my low self-esteem and need for outside validation. After six months, the whole thing felt terribly wrong, and luckily, I was able to get a divorce.  In hindsight, it boggles my mind that I thought I was ready for marriage when I was just a kid.

Jack and I met when I was more stable and mature, and I know part of the reason he liked me was because I give off a quiet,” good girl” vibe. We’re getting married as devout Catholics and I know the Church considers marriage as an unbreakable bond, and doesn’t recognize divorce. 

But that’s not as problematic for me as the fact that I haven’t told Jack everything about my past. I am terrified he will judge me, get scared and run away.

I feel shame and embarrassment about my failed marriage, but part of me wonders if what’s in my past–which happened long before Jack and I met–should stay there, and should be my secret to keep.

Dr. Deb, do I have to tell my fiance everything about my past? 

Sincerely,
Conflicted Fiancee

Telling Jack the truth about your past marriage can make or break your relationship. So I think the better question would be: what is the best way to tell him about it?

I don’t believe that relationships must be an absolutely, completely open book unless that something in your past would affect your partner and their expectations. Jack needs to know the truth about your first marriage because it has a direct bearing on the person you are today, whether you want to admit it or not. Leaving it behind is not an option. The truth always has a way of coming out, and if Jack finds out you kept this from him, it will harm the trust you’ve built in your relationship and upcoming marriage. It’s not worth it.

Another major conversation you both need to have is about getting your previous marriage annulled, if it was a church wedding. Otherwise, your Catholic marriage will be invalidated. However, if your first marriage was a legal one, then the divorce would be enough, in most cases. Either way, you’ll still need to ask guidance from the Church you belong to, just to make sure everything is above board.

Of course, revealing this part of your life won’t be easy. I suggest to start by acknowledging that you have been hiding something from him out of shame and embarrassment. Do him the courtesy of recognizing that it was wrong not to tell him right away, and that you are sorry for it. Remember that you were a teenager when it happened and hardly old enough to deal with the demands of marriage. You need to give Jack a chance to process this and decide for himself. 

What’s right and what’s worth doing are sometimes the most difficult things to do, but this is where true love comes in: like Jack has shown you over the years, you need to step up and show him that you love him enough to make sure he knows the most important things that happened in your past, so he might know you fully. If you believe in him, give him a chance to love you for who you really are–all of you.

In short, my advice for you is: choose truth over fear. You may not have control over the way he will take the news. It’s possible that Jack might decide to end the relationship. But that is a risk you need to take to build a truly solid, meaningful relationship that will carry through until married life.  

Warmly,
Dr. Deb