TO BE OR NOT TO BE (A MOM): Do I Give in to the Biological Clock or Hold Out for Love?

Dear Dr. Deb,

As long as I can remember, when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, the first thought in my head was: I want to be a Mom. And this was the truth; more than becoming a doctor or lawyer, my ultimate dream was to be a mother. I would get strange looks whenever I said this out loud. I guess many people can’t believe that having a child was something to aspire to at a time when anyone can be whatever they wanted to be.

Years later, here I am, a 35-year-old highly respected attorney in a major city – and very single. I love my career and feel deeply fulfilled with what I’ve achieved. But I’m nowhere near my dream of holding my own baby in my arms.

In my twenties, finding someone and falling in love felt so effortless; like I had all the time in the world to settle down and plan a family. Time flew by and after cycling through a few serious relationships, I find myself stranded in my thirties. I should’ve found the one by now, right?

Instead, I’m part of a growing statistic of single women who haven’t found the right partner at the right time to start a family.

Between the shrinking dating pool and my biological clock ticking away, there are days when I feel desperate, like life is passing me by. I’m losing hope of ever finding the right person, much less someone who would be in a position to have a baby with me right away.

The pull of the biological clock is very real and very strong for me. I know in my heart I am meant to be a Mom and it’s all I can think about  these days.

My friends are trying to be supportive with their well-meaning comments, that I’m better off having freedom and not compromising my law career. They don’t seem to understand my anxiety over the looming “deadline” for motherhood. I know 35 is not exactly old, especially in modern standards. But I want to be healthy and active to make sure I’m around to give my child the best chance in life and to witness their milestones.

I’m looking for your professional advice, Dr. Deb. Would it be better for me to hold out for the right person to start a family with? Or should I take my dream into my own hands and work with a fertility doctor to be a single mom by choice?

Sincerely,
Baby Dreamer

Dear Baby Dreamer,

Ah yes, the dream of having a partner and a baby – a milestone that many women assume would happen before they hit their thirties, like in a romcoms and novels. You’re not alone in realizing that traditional dream may not happen exactly the way you had hoped. It might be cold comfort to know that the number of women in their thirties who have never had kids (both by choice and not) has been on a sharp rise since 2016.^[1] It’s not your fault. Prioritizing your education and career has not left you more disadvantaged in the relationship scene than any other single woman. That said, I feel your deep disappointment and dilemma.

This isn’t the usual letter I answer for the column, but I feel it was important to respond to this because the most important and life-long relationship we’ll ever have is with ourselves.

Undeniably, you’re at a point where a choice must be made: have a baby on your own without a partner or wait for the right one to come along and risk not being able to have a biological baby at all. Evolution hasn’t caught up with a modern-day woman’s life span and aspirations, so the window of conceiving is closing.

The tough answer is that each person’s situation is different and no one can make the decision for you. The right decision is the one you make. What I can offer you, as a Mom of two grown daughters, are some cut-and-dried truths from my own experience.

Most people underestimate how all-consuming it is to be a mom. Your time, energy, emotional capacity, financial resources, and more – you will end up needing to give exponentially more of yourself than you have ever imagined. 

It’s trying to be everywhere at once – soccer games, dance practice, and managing your own needs, dreams and passions. It’s a continuous search for space for what’s truly important (to you, yes, but you will be thinking of your child first before anything else).

And a huge part of motherhood is admitting that sometimes you’re not the Mom you want to be and making peace with that.

In the midst of all the challenges, one truth remains for me: Motherhood is ridiculously hard and so worthwhile.

I’ve had several patients who went the route of single-mother-by-choice and I’m sharing with you some of the knowledge I gained about the landscape. Take a hard look at these questions that might help you weigh the choice that would be right for you:

• Resources: How will you pay for this? (children cost a fortune ^[2])
• Support system: If you decide not to wait for a partner, who will help you take care of the baby?
• Self-care and mental health: How will you deal with your personal needs and aloneness? (Seek out SingleMothersByChoice.org for community.)

This is still your life and while so many things seem to be out of your hands, you will always have a choice in the path you take. It’s time to keep building on what you do know about yourself and embracing the challenges that come with your final decision.

Should you take a leap of faith and have a baby now?  I think so.  Not because I want you to, but because you want to.

Lovingly,
Dr. Deb

[1] https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2017/11/women-early-thirties.html
[2] https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Family/costs-raise-child-us/story?id=120376717