I Love My Husband. So Why Am I Cheating On Him?

Dear Dr. Deb,

I think I’m going through a mid-life crisis. I am behaving in very dangerous and irresponsible ways, certain to cause pain to myself and others.  Yet, I continue down the destructive path.

I’m a married 40-year old woman and mother who loves my husband. I’m also having an affair.

Everything about this mess sounds ridiculously like a Netflix series.  My husband and I got married in our mid-twenties. We’re amazing parents to our children who are now in high school, we have a lovely home, and we have the kind of lifestyle that anyone would envy.

Everything seems just right, except that my husband and I aren’t exactly in sync when it comes to sex. I’ve always needed and desired intimacy more than he did. Our different drives seemed okay in the beginning, but as we got older, it deteriorated to what I can only describe as very dull.

We’ve talked about it, acknowledging that our needs don’t seem to match. He’s just not that motivated by sex. Still, I thought that it would resolve itself somehow because we loved each other and have many other things in common.

At a conference two years ago, I met someone that I connected with instantly. He was sexy, witty, and completely smitten with me. The harmless flirting soon spiraled into a torrid affair. It felt like such a release; he had ignited something in me that I thought I would never feel again.

I’ve been living a double life ever since. My husband thinks I’m jetting off to business trips while my lover has no idea that I’m married.

I take full responsibility for everything that happened. I know it’s not up to my husband to fulfill every single one of my needs. But as ungrateful as this sounds, I can’t seem to walk away from my lover. I loathe myself – sometimes I fantasize about killing myself as a way out

Dr. Deb, . I don’t know what else to do. How did I get out of this crazy situation? I love my husband, but why do I keep cheating on him?

Sincerely,
Screwed Up

Dear Screwed Up,

I know it feels that walking away from the mess you’re in is unthinkable. You’re secretly wishing that things will somehow miraculously get resolved. But you and I know that’s not happening. Wishful thinking and fantasies won’t help you.

What would help is starting with the basics: admit that the affair is an extreme (and wrong) reaction to what feels like a problematic marriage and you must end it if you want to heal your marriage.

This first step is non-negotiable: you must end the affair! How it happens is up to you but do it honestly and firmly. You might feel conflicted and have moments of weakness That’s normal, but there’s no way around it if you’re serious about loving your husband and family.

Infidelity isn’t only associated with bad relationships. What couples forget is that “marital bliss” is not guaranteed; it’s something you work for with your spouse. Happy relationships and marriages are not and will never be perfect, so they are also vulnerable to crossing lines. It is not uncommon for people to engage in behaviors that are at odds with their actual feelings.

Esther Perel, sometimes referred to as the nation’s “sexual healer,” says people don’t turn to others because they are looking for another person. They do so because they are looking for pieces of themselves that they have lost touch with. 

What does she mean by this?

Rather than getting caught up in what you’re not getting in your marriage and assuming that your desire for better sex is the real motive behind the affair, you may have neglected parts of yourself that are causing you to behave in ways that defy logic.

In other words, think about your affair as a wake-up call, a catalyst to self-discovery to help you to understand what is really driving you to seek out comfort outside of your marriage.

Part of the joy of growing older together is that you see the best and worst of each other. You’re there to witness each other change as you go through life changes. You’re not the same people who started out together in your twenties, so why would you expect things to stay exactly the same in your forties? Now is the time to become more enlightened by actively participating in your own individual growth.

As bad as you think things are now, your life doesn’t have to fall apart. Seek out a professional who can help you to search for what is really at the root of the forces that are driving you.

Warmly,
Dr. Deb