MY TWIN IS AN ALCOHOLIC: SHOULD I KEEP HIM ON AS MY BEST MAN?

Dear Dr. Deb

In six months, I’m marrying my fiancée, Samantha. I love her and I love our relationship – we are truly partners in the best way, always able to resolve conflicts through open communication and mutual trust.

Always…until now. I’m writing to ask for your help getting through a delicate situation.

A few weeks back, I asked my twin brother, Jack, to be my best man (he agreed). It’s a no-brainer since we’re incredibly close with that special bond that only twins share. As alike as we are, there is one big difference between us. He got the alcoholic gene.  It bypassed me.

Samantha doesn’t think that Jack will be able to stay sober during our special day and might cause trouble. The painful thing is, her doubts aren’t entirely unfounded. Jack’s addiction has led to behavior problems in the past, and we could never predict if he would turn belligerent, forceful, or even violent.

Terrified he’ll ruin our wedding by showing up drunk, she has asked me to change my mind and choose another best man, which I refused. It led to a big argument and hurtful comments – she even said that my closeness with Jack sometimes creeps her out.

I told Jack about the disagreement, and he solemnly promised me that he would stay sober for the wedding. Samantha’s still not convinced. I don’t think she’ll change her mind about my brother. This situation is putting a lot of strain on our relationship, and I desperately need your guidance.

Dr. Deb, should I stand my ground out of loyalty for my twin brother or should I honor the request of my fiancée?

Sincerely,
Torn Twin

Dear Torn,

As a twin sibling myself and a psychologist, I truly understand how difficult this situation is – it’s a delicate balancing act to nurture close relationships, especially between the family you’ve known and the family you want to build and commit to for life.

Like you and Jack, my twin sister and I were quite close as only twins will ever understand or experience. This went on even during the first few years of my marriage. When my sister moved across the country, our extremely close twin bond diminished and I became closer to my husband. In psychology, this is called switching my primary attachment from my sister to my husband, which is how it should it be.

It’s only natural that you feel deeply connected to Jack; you’ve shared a womb and a lifetime together, and that bond is irreplaceable. At the same time, there is a big issue about Jack’s alcoholism and tendency for trouble. It’s no wonder that insisting on Jack as your best man has created enormous stress in your relationship with Samantha.

Samantha has a valid point about Jack’s drinking – it’s unpredictable, and there’s no way to guarantee he’ll be sober for the ceremony. Aside from that, remember that you’re embarking on a new chapter with your upcoming marriage. Shifting your primary attachment to Sam and respecting her feelings, especially when it comes to major decisions like this one about Jack, is so important for building a strong foundation.

It might be best to have an open and honest conversation with Jack. Let him know that your love for him is unwavering and that it pains you to see him struggle with his addiction. If he’s open to it, offer your support in finding help. If he reacts defensively, respect his boundaries for now. Just listen with compassion and understanding.

Lead with love and express your hope that he’ll come to the wedding as a guest. Ask other trusted family members to help Jack come up with a plan to stay sober and get support (or a way to exit), if needed, during the wedding.

Marriage can be a big adjustment for twins and their partners. Although this has really tested you and Samantha, prioritize open and honest communication with her. Consider this ordeal as a training run that will significantly strengthen your relationship and help you navigate other challenges that will come along the way. After all, marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.

Fondly,
Dr. Deb