Right Man, Wrong Ring: How Do I Tell My Fiance?

Dear Dr. Deb,

My fiancé Jeff’s proposal was the perfect surprise: I didn’t suspect a thing and his timing couldn’t be better.

After living together for the past year-and-a-half, we are clearly crazy about each other and I can’t wait to finally walk down the aisle with Jeff.

Never have I been in a relationship where there are no skeletons in the closet. We are in sync with each other’s priorities and financial circumstances and we talk regularly about our future—especially our shared professional and personal goals. For us, it’s all about the “we.”

 There’s just one thing that’s been nagging me ever since he proposed. Try as I might, I can’t seem to shake it. When Jeff got down on one knee and popped the question, I looked at the ring and the automatically thought: I hate it. I absolutely hate the engagement ring he chose.

Luckily, I was able to focus on the moment and show how thrilled I was that I would be spending the rest of my life with him. But it’s been weeks and I have the same strong feelings of objection for the ring.

I’m not someone who prioritizes material things in a relationship. I don’t need lavish gifts to feel loved. I feel guilty that I’m thinking of the ring at all and that it has brought up feelings of disappointment and resentment towards Jeff.

Am I just being ungrateful about this whole thing? Could my disappointment with the ring mean that I’m not confident in our future together? Is the ring proof of how much he doesn’t understand me at all? Dr. Deb, how do I even bring up something this sensitive?

Sincerely,
Dearly Disappointed

Dear D. Disappointed,

What you’ve expressed about having strong negative feelings—of hating—the engagement ring that your fiancé chose for you—is your valid, authentic expression. There’s no room in this advice column for judgements and I don’t think you were being ungrateful or overly materialistic for being concerned about the ring.

From your letter, it’s evident that you love and appreciate Jeff, and that you were sincerely delighted that he popped the question. I want to reassure you that you aren’t the first person to feel underwhelmed by your engagement ring and you won’t be the last. (In fact, you letter reminded me of a patient who felt so disappointed over the size of the stone in her engagement ring but didn’t work up the courage to tell her husband until after they were married.)

You’re asking if your disappointment was a sign of a deeper issue. The short answer is yes, but not for the reasons you might be thinking.

From your description, it sounds like you and Jeff are both emotionally mature and compatible with your goals. You seem to be each other’s greatest cheerleaders. These are all strong determinants of a healthy relationship.

However, partners are not mirror images of each other. Your compatibility with Jeff doesn’t mean a perfect equivalence in all of your likes, dislikes, and tastes. Tradition dictated that Jeff pick out the ring without you to keep the proposal a surprise. You might look at the ring choice as a vulnerable moment for him; he took a risk, not knowing your taste in jewelry.

Your disappointment is merely a reality check that there are still many things you both have to learn about each other and work through together as partners. Good marriages are built day-to-day. A big part of it is learning to negotiate your differences and accepting that it’s as important as celebrating your similarities.

You have an opportunity here to step up and practice good communication—the uncomfortable, but necessary chats—which you will both need to lean on throughout your marriage. Enough time has passed after the proposal and now is a good time as any to bring this up with Jeff. There is no room for secrets.

I suggest that you lead with expressing just how excited you are to tie the knot with him and other positive things about the proposal. Then just be honest and direct about how unsure you are about the ring and what your specific personal preferences would be. No matter how awkward it may seem, you will both benefit from this candid discussion as long as it’s communicated with sensitivity and doesn’t minimize the meaning and effort that went into the proposal.

 Just remember to make room for Jeff’s own feelings and reactions when you tell him how you feel about the ring. No matter how much you love and know each other, you can’t control how he will take it; allow him to express how he feels.

Once everything is out in the open, it’s a matter of discussing how you would both like to resolve the issue. This might mean looking at your options on how to return, exchange, or modify your ring. Or it might be doing something else entirely—the right solution is the one that pleases and works for both of you.

Sincerely yours,
Dr. Deb