When we were dating, my husband was charming, loving, and kind— everyone who knew us thought we were the ideal couple. And after three years, he proposed! I felt like I was the luckiest woman on the planet.

Fast forward to ten short months after our wedding: he is unrecognizable from the man I thought I would marry. The changes were small and subtle enough during our honeymoon that I didn’t mind it. But soon, he turned into a completely different man, very controlling and very manipulative.

It started with him telling me that he didn’t like my friends. He asked me to try and spend more time with him instead. Then he started complaining that my family doesn’t like him, and that they’re trying to come between us. He even tried to control what clothes I would wear—he was concerned that I was dressing too provocatively for other men.  Although these things concerned me, I chalked them up to him adjusting to married life.

I finally pushed back and told him that I didn’t like the demands he was placing on me. This escalated to embarrassing dragged-out fights. During one heated argument in the car, he opened the door and asked me to get out. I became afraid of who I had become around him: full of contempt, yelling profanities, and worst of all, desperately cut off from my friends.

After much grief, I decided I didn’t want to continue in a relationship that made me constantly dread our future together in the hostile environment of our own making. I was convinced that we needed help through marriage counseling. He refused. That was the final straw for me. I asked him to leave, and he agreed.

After a few months of separation, he apologized, admitting that he really messed up and treated me badly. He asked me why I had tolerated his behavior for as long as I did. He seemed genuinely sorry and has been closer to the charming, kind man I thought I married.

Here’s the kicker: He wants to move back in so we can give our marriage another chance. He said the time we have been separated helped him realize what an amazing and supportive woman I am, and all the ways I cared for him that he never gave me credit for.

Now I’m not sure what to do. Dr. Deb, how does someone transform from being a sweetheart previous to “I do” to a monster shortly after?  Can I be sure that he won’t spiral back to his previous behavior? Am I giving up on him and our love too soon?

Sincerely,
Disenchante

Short answer: No, I don’t think you’re giving up too soon. In fact, you’re not giving up soon enough! In the first place, love isn’t the right word for what your husband put you through.

Emotional abuse isn’t love. You might have been in love, and he might have said he was in love, but love doesn’t hurt anyone like that. The intent of his actions were to take your power away, and that is the definition of abuse.

In response to your query about how your husband’s personality could change so dramatically after the wedding, abusers are very talented at hiding their manipulative tendencies. They know how to set the pace and bait someone into loving them, often being very patient until that someone—you—becomes too invested in the relationship.

On the surface, his apology seems sincere: Oh, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I swear I will never do it again. No harm done, I’ll know better next time. Your husband probably believes his own promises, that it will be different next time. It seems heartless not to give him a second chance.

The most important thing for your husband is how he himself feels and how much advantage he can get. When you asked him to leave, he lost his control and emotional hold over you. Sadly, he lacks real compassion and empathy for the pain he caused you.

I am not saying that people can’t change—but real change doesn’t look like what he is proposing, kindness and optimism. Authentic change comes from a place of love, and I’m not sure you were ever on the same page.

Typically, I would advise couples about working together to learn to tolerate the stresses of marriage, develop new ways to resolve conflict, and learn to express mutual care for each other.

However, from what you’ve described, I would advise you not to go for it. You gave it a shot, it didn’t work out. He showed you who he really is. Believe him the first time.

Find a lawyer and get out fast.  You have two legs and a spine—run, don’t walk.

Very Fondly,
Dr. Deb