Today’s Advice Highlights:
Dear Dr. Deb,
My girlfriend and I have been together for eight months. She’s been so attentive and always finding ways to be with me. No matter how much time we spend together, she tells me that it’s never enough. I found this adorable in the first three months of our relationship. But now I’m getting worried that things are getting out of hand.
I know past boyfriends have cheated on her, so she has trust issues. But lately she’s starting to suspect me of cheating. She gets worked up and has even told me she “couldn’t believe I would do this to her again.”
She’s been calling me at work and when I don’t answer or text back right away, she assumes the worst and calls me nasty names. I can’t even talk to anyone for more than a few minutes without being interrogated for it.
I’ve given her access to my phone, emails, and social media to try and reassure her. I’ve even told her she can drop by the office unannounced. But nothing seems enough to prove to her that I’m not cheating on her. I feel like I’m being punished for something I didn’t do.
Being accused of cheating is emotionally draining and I don’t like to repeatedly defend my character against things I haven’t done. This feels soul crushing.
Is there anything I can do to put her at ease, Dr. Deb? Or is it time for me to give up our relationship?
Sincerely,
Not Guilty Boyfriend
From The Desk of Dr. Deb
Dear Not Guilty,
Everyone comes to a relationship with their own emotional baggage. In the glow of the honeymoon stage, things might seem acceptable and even “adorable.” But sooner or later, a couple needs to be honest with each other about personal hurts and insecurities. That’s important “housekeeping” in every exclusive relationship.
Your girlfriend has told you she had been hurt before by cheating ex-boyfriends. It’s normal to have fears of mistrust in response to past betrayals. By now, you’ve realized the solution isn’t giving her unrestricted access to your phone, emails, or social media. Neither is risking your professional standing by allowing her to show up to your workplace unannounced.
I know you love her and feel she is worth fighting for. However, she is damaging your relationship by trying to gain temporary reassurance from you to ease her insecurities, without addressing the root of it.
I recommend talking it over with her and finding out more about where this is all coming from. These trust issues may go deeper. They might even be offshoots of traumas associated with abandonment issues from her childhood. She might believe that sooner or later you, too, like someone from her younger years, will leave.
It’s important to remember that her lingering trauma and trust issues are not your fault. You are not responsible for “fixing” her, either. Only she can do that.
Be honest about how drained you feel over this vicious cycle and remind her that she has options available to her when she’s ready to seek help. But the key here is that she commits to getting professional help or counselling for herself to address these issues.
When a partner asks you to constantly prove your love and consideration for them, or to excuse them when they verbally assault you and act out, they are asking you to compromise your boundaries. This is not a sign of a healthy relationship and may even border on emotional abuse.
It’s a tricky situation to be in. As long as she is willing to work with you and with a professional to deal with her trauma, there is always hope. If not, things will likely only get worse, in which case, for the sake of protecting your mental health and well-being, you might want to move on.
Yours,
Dr. Deb
Do you have a burning question – Your comments in response to a column are welcome. I will do my best to answer as many of your questions as I can. Please email me at deb@drdeborahhecker.com