RIGHT MAN, WRONG RING: HOW DO I TELL MY FIANCÉ?

Dr. Deb would love to answer your burning relationship questions.

Today’s Advice Highlights

  • What’s in a ring: problems over material things are often a sign of deeper issues.
  • Sometimes it’s the “small” details which have a big impact on a relationship.
  • Ways that couples might have difficult, constructive conversations over something awkward.

Dear Dr. Deb,

I’m 22 years old with a sweet, generous boyfriend who I also consider my best friend. He knows how to show his love and has always been supportive of my achievements. On top of that, our physical chemistry is undeniable. We’ve been together for two years now and I really feel like I lucked out.

Here’s the thing: he makes me feel amazing – for the most part. And for rest of the time, I feel everything fall flat.

I’ve always appreciated how we seem so good for each other, even with our different backgrounds. But I feel the big divide between us whenever I look to him for a deep mind connection.

He’s my Mr. Right who can’t seem to “get” with me intellectually. Our conversations lack depth, and I don’t feel inspired by them. He’s definitely not dumb and can hold his own in his own way. It’s just that it feels like we’re on different wavelengths. When I tell a joke, I’m never sure if he’ll find it funny.

I’m a creative type with a rich imagination and I’d love nothing more than to share my insights and interests with him – whether it’s conversation, a solution to a problem, a new way to rearrange furniture. Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to do the same.

I’m not expecting every conversation to be super interesting, but more and more, the lack of connection between us leaves me feeling lonely. I feel guilty for feeling this way, especially as he hangs onto every word I have to say and clearly values me. I love that he adores me, but I can’t say that I feel the same for him.

Dr. Deb, I don’t know what to do about this missing connection. How would I begin to bridge our differences? Our relationship has been smooth and conflict-free, and the thought of leaving him makes me so sad. I’m hoping for your words of wisdom to help me resolve this.

Yours,
Disconnected and Frustrated

Dear D. Disappointed,

 What you’ve expressed about having strong negative feelings—of hating—the engagement ring that your fiancé chose for you—is your valid, authentic expression. There’s no room in this advice column for judgements and I don’t think you were being ungrateful or overly materialistic for being concerned about the ring.

 From your letter, it’s evident that you love and appreciate Jeff, and that you were sincerely delighted that he popped the question. I want to reassure you that you aren’t the first person to feel underwhelmed by your engagement ring and you won’t be the last. (In fact, you letter reminded me of a patient who felt so disappointed over the size of the stone in her engagement ring but didn’t work up the courage to tell her husband until after they were married.)

 You’re asking if your disappointment was a sign of a deeper issue. The short answer is yes, but not for the reasons you might be thinking.

 From your description, it sounds like you and Jeff are both emotionally mature and compatible with your goals. You seem to be each other’s greatest cheerleaders. These are all strong determinants of a healthy relationship.

 However, partners are not mirror images of each other. Your compatibility with Jeff doesn’t mean a perfect equivalence in all of your likes, dislikes, and tastes. Tradition dictated that Jeff pick out the ring without you to keep the proposal a surprise. You might look at the ring choice as a vulnerable moment for him; he took a risk, not knowing your taste in jewelry.

 Your disappointment is merely a reality check that there are still many things you both have to learn about each other and work through together as partners. Good marriages are built day-to-day. A big part of it is learning to negotiate your differences and accepting that it’s as important as celebrating your similarities.

 You have an opportunity here to step up and practice good communication—the uncomfortable, but necessary chats—which you will both need to lean on throughout your marriage. Enough time has passed after the proposal and now is a good time as any to bring this up with Jeff. There is no room for secrets.

 I suggest that you lead with expressing just how excited you are to tie the knot with him and other positive things about the proposal. Then just be honest and direct about how unsure you are about the ring and what your specific personal preferences would be. No matter how awkward it may seem, you will both benefit from this candid discussion as long as it’s communicated with sensitivity and doesn’t minimize the meaning and effort that went into the proposal.

 Just remember to make room for Jeff’s own feelings and reactions when you tell him how you feel about the ring. No matter how much you love and know each other, you can’t control how he will take it; allow him to express how he feels.

 Once everything is out in the open, it’s a matter of discussing how you would both like to resolve the issue. This might mean looking at your options on how to return, exchange, or modify your ring. Or it might be doing something else entirely—the right solution is the one that pleases and works for both of you.

 Sincerely yours,

 Dr. Deb

Do you have a burning question – Your comments in response to a column are welcome. ​I will do my best to answer as many of your questions as I can. Please email me at deb@drdeborahhecker.com

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