It’s Not Me, It’s You – Or is it?

We all do it.  We think our relationships have problems because our partner needs to do something differently.

“She’s so self-centered.  I never feel understood.”

“My husband is so inflexible and will rarely change his opinions.

Did it ever occur to you that you, yes you, may be the problem?

That no matter how hard you are trying and all that you are giving to the relationship, you keep repeating the same patterns over and over, and these behaviors may be sabotaging your relationship, leading to divorces and break-ups. 

What Are Sabotaging Behaviors?

There are many variations of sabotaging behaviors, but they share some common characteristics:

• They negatively influence the relationship over time.
• They may be acceptable in the beginning of a relationship but will eventually contribute to its destruction.
• If these behaviors are confronted, the person doing them typically will feel offended.
• These behaviors are not meant to create the damage they do.

If your repeated sabotaging behaviors have caused your marriage or relationship to break apart (or to be on the verge of rupturing) the good news is that you can make a choice to change your behaviors so that you can create the relationship you want. 

Steps To Replace Your Destructive Behaviors With Constructive Ones

In order stop making the same mistakes and falling into the same relationship ruts, you can implement the following steps:

1. Stop blaming your partner:  Make the choice to learn from your mistakes.
2. Identify your problematic behavior, without judgment: Self-critiquing will inhibit your ability to learn from you mistakes.
3. Search for the origins of your behavioral patterns: You will need to retrieve some early family memories in order to understand how and why you developed these patterns.
4. Recognize the triggers: Triggers are experiences that activate memories. When you feel, needy, demanding, clingy, empty, out of control, and anxious, to name a few, you may be triggered to engage in insecure behaviors.
5. Be open to change: If you aren’t willing to change, you will keep making the mistakes. In order to grow, you must initiate and sustain long-lasting changes in your life.
6. Don’t ignore your issues because they’re too difficult to deal with. There are no easy solutions or magic pills to overcome your patterns.  Change takes time and concentration.

Same Story, Same Ending.  Different Story, Different Ending

When you keep making the same mistakes in your relationships over and over again, it’s probably not a coincidence.

You will continue to make these mistakes if you keep sweeping them under the rug.

If you are dealing with a relationship loss because you, once again, found yourself engaging in repeated relationship mistakes, don’t despair.  You can choose to learn from your loss and turn it into a gain.

If that is your desire – to learn from your relationship mistakes and to change your behavior for successful outcomes – I can help you.

Whenever you’re ready, here are 3 ways I can help you – heal from your breakup, understand your role in it, and learn to develop “divorce-proof” relationship skills so you don’t repeat the same mistakes.

1. A Complimentary Consultation. The consult will:

• Help us to get to know one another.
• Give me a chance to listen closely to your questions and concerns.
• Allow me to give you feedback.

2. Access to my 4 part video series Post-Divorce Healing and Rediscovering your SELF. This series will:

• Help you understand why your relationship didn’t work out.
• How to develop a non-partnered identity.
• Teach you the steps to “divorce-proof” your future relationships. Click here.

3. Work with me privately. You may be ready to do some serious introspection. Please select the option that is most relevant to your needs.

• Individual Counseling
• Couples Counseling
• Divorce Counseling

It is my sincere hope that all information on my website provides you with content that inspires you to enhance your relationships. These materials are not intended to be a substitute for my counseling services. If you are ready to make that leap, please click here to set up a complimentary consultation.